May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't Trump Tower Damascus open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You realize, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Good tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from House, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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